X-Men

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“Why can't it be C-men?”

~ Stan Lee on why the writers ignored his original idea for the X-men's name

“A-men”

~ Raptor Jesus on Stanley's Quote

“C-Men... tee-hee!”

~ most people on Xbox Live
Picard after the premier screening of X-Men the Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine on the bridge of the Enterprise D

The X-Men (a/k/a The XXX-Men ; or seX-Men) are fictional superhero team in the porn industry. They were created by writer Hugh Jardonne and artist Jack Meov and first appeared in The X-Men #1 (September 1963).

Professor X creates a haven at his mansion to train young porn stars to use their powers for the benefit of humanity, and to bring sexual deviants (mutants) together with normal society, and to stop all the hating. And he collects massive amounts of porn on his computer (Cerebro).

Though the X-Men started off with just five members, as years went on many characters joined the team and just as many left; Cyclops is the only one to have had a solid seating in the series. Early videos introduced the team's arch enemy, Magnegro, who would later battle the X-Men for years. Although the X-Men series had been comprised entirely of WASP-type characters, it would later become the porn video series to have the most number of characters that were ethnically and religiously varied.

The popularity of the X-Men videos have been adapted to mainstream movies, including:

X-Men original (hard-)CORE members[edit]

Domestic Dispute, X-Men style.
  • Scotty-Too-Hotty "Cyclops" Summers - Called the cyclops for his tendency to show people his one eyed monster, Scott gets his kicks by shooting off his one-eyed load. Wolverine calls him a boyscout because they dress up like them. Unfortunately they use actual uniforms and they keep tearing. Has recently been confirmed to be seriously mentally ill for most of his childhood and his adult life, including while leading the X-Men. This is funny because it is true.
  • Bobby Drake "Iceman" - Bobby drake isn't cooler than his counterpart Frozone from the Incredibles (because Frozone is black, therefore being automatically cooler.). But Iceman is hard to beat; especially in the bedroom.
  • Marvin Tenneth "Angel" Borington X - Angel is a former Victoria Secrets model who had his wings surgically attached at the same time as his sex-change operation. After getting his ass beat, he had missiles added to the wingtips, and renamed himself Arch-Angel.
  • Capt. Hanky "The Beast" McBlueballs - His mutant power is NOT his constant state of sexual arousal, but his ability to remain chaste. A result of this (and thus his nickname), are his large blue balls. By not focusing constantly on sex (like most men), he is ability to focus his mind on other matters, and has thus become a massive genius. He is also an agile combat expert, just to "take the edge off".
  • Gene Grey - Formerly know as Salamander Handshake, she has the powers of Telepathy (she knows what you want and how you like it) and Psychokinesis (she can make her boobs move up and down, with her mind!). Professor X was so 'excited' to see her in action, he classified her as an Omega-level mutant. Although she could be the ultimate stripper/hooker, she uses her powers instead to help the world. Though it's almost the same thing.

The X-Men administration[edit]

  • Professor X (real name Charles Dickens) - He can spank you with his mind. And you WILL like it. He lost use of his legs when his step-brother Patrick Stewart teamed up with yet a third step sibling named Juggernaut to use him to make a wish after a Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Father X-mas Aka Father X - Who started the international X-Men Day, aka X-mas. Suspected of having elf slave-race as labor force. Was replaced by Professor X.
  • Mister X - Who used to be a woman. Or a man. We aren't really sure. Looks hot in a thong.
  • Christopher Kross - Former member of Kriss Kross, now using his horrible vocals to deafen his enemies and occasionally allies.
  • Malcolm X - Part-time leader, and chief confusion-maker of the X-Men.
  • xXx (a/k/a Xander Cage) - Not to be confused with XX. A funny bald guy who claims his real name is Van Diesel or something like that. It is believed that he was spontaneously generated due to the excessive use of "X"s in the world. Looks hot in a thong.
  • Mega Man X - Retired from Dr. Light's group of L-Men to join the X-Men. Looks okay in a bra.
  • Sonic X - Who joined to avenge the deaths of Tails, Johnny Cockran and the short lived Drexel's Class television series.
  • Xena - Who used to be a man until he traded genders with Mr. X.

X-Men additional members[edit]

  • James Logan "Wolverine" Howlett - A complete asshole who has a genetic condition that involves his fingernails to grow like motherfuckers. He defeats his enemies by repeatedly stabbing and then molesting them. He is also a skilled pianist. Has a sick Oedepial thing going with redheads. He is well known for sticking it to the man.
  • Ororo "Storm" Monroe - The token black member of the team, she was a former gangbanger in the 80's dressed in leathers with a mohawk. She eventually matured and got a full head of hair and boob job to match. This drama queen controls the weather. She is suffering from Premature Menopause, and this has "consequences". She recently married the Black Panther.
  • Piotr Nikolaid "Colossus" Kalishnikov - A really big, hard, dude. The ladies love him. He first appeared in Giant-Size X-Men #1 (May 1975).
  • Kitty "Shadowpussy" Pride - She is an excellent hunter of rats and mice and succeed in nearly 80% of all her hunting missions. Is unleashed whenever there are vermin on the loose in the X-school. Has nine lives and an excellent night vision. Regularly hallucinates an invisible friend named 'Lockheed' who 'kills' those she hates. She makes a Kate Bush/Kraftwerk mix rock song too! (EEECH!!!)
  • Knightcrawler - Fake Wagner, moves in mysterious and unpredictable ways, used in emergencies together with Bishop.

Bishop - Lucas Bishop has the mutant power to move in diagonal movement plus forwards and backwards, often used in emergencies by the White Queen to avoid getting needlessly trapped in a fatal Zugzwang situation.

  • Rook - What??? Who? Who's that? Have never heard of him...
  • White Queen - Emma Frost, the most powerful piece in the team, has the combined power of Rook and Bishop and can checkmate the Black King (aka Sebastian Shaw) in one fell swoop, at times only involving a couple of Pawns and her own awesome persona, sometimes involving Bishop and, at occasional times, perhaps even Knightcrawler depending on the opponent's moves. Is unique in the Marvel Universe because she has never had to use a Rook, EVER.
  • Pawns - Really ugly and useless genetic trash with sucky "powers" who now pollutes the once honorable X-school (the Professor's school for amnesiac children) with their presence. Are counted as generally useless and expendable and will be sacrificed for the greater good early on, as they should. They serve more or less as cannon fodder only. These oafs and peasants includes the likes of Beak, Basilisk, Glob Herman, Dummy, Ernst, Angel IV, Tattoo and Redneck, who together are aptly named the Expendable Eight.
  • Remy "Gambitch" LeBeau- If this flaming Cajun throws one your way, watch out! It will probably explode in your face. Fortunately for most, Gambitch tends to be more of a "taker" than a "giver". You can find him every year at Mardi Gras, just giving away pearl necklaces.
  • Alex "Havok" Winters - Younger brother of Cyclops. He is essentially Mr. Bean, Jar Jar Binks, and Goofy rolled into one. Considered to be the clumsiest mutant alive, Havok has the power to break EVERYTHING he touches simply by dropping it on the floor or something even clumsier, hence his name. This guy can wreak some SERIOUS havoc, believe it. A true out-of-control freak of nature who will destroy the occasional supervillain simply by Tripping On His Own Shoelaces™ (that's already patented by Jar-Jar, sorry Alex), breaking a few porcelain stores as he moves along, more often than seldom taking the bad guy with him to utter oblivion.
  • Alison "Jazzler" Blare -Has the power to convert nearby light into an annoyingly repetitive jazz tune which puts the listener to sleep within a minute.
  • Cannonball - Sam Guthrie, a jovial chap who can de-attach his own head and use it to play bowling or football with or use a cannon to shot bad guys with it as a lethal projectile, which is where he got his nickname from. Has been confirmed to be an alternate reality counterpart of Ronald McDonald. Has dozens of sisters/brothers/children.
  • Cable - A redneck cyborg from the future. Has a metal plated skull and three gold records.
  • Pluralis - Lorna Dane, has the power to change nouns and pronouns in sentences as others change underwear each day (unless they don't), converting singular words into its corresponding plural form, unless there is none (such as "money" or "sugar" in case you wondered, but that is, ehuuum, irrelevant).
  • Kinnikuman - Estranged and confused man who was wearing a doughnut-lipped mask and wrestled foes into submission. He lasted on the team for only a week--he was disqualified one time too many for using steel chairs illegally in his battles.
  • Duke Nukem - Joined the X-Men before he started wearing shades. He was later fired due to causing way too much collateral damage and for getting radioactive material in Xavier's doughnuts. Suspected of impregnating Storm.
  • Psylock'n Key - Betsee Buttock has the mutant power to open doors with ease. Was also the first british/asian woman with purple hair to get herself stuck in a tuba, which she mistook for a plastic vagina.
White Queen - Emma Frost

Enemies of the X-Men[edit]

The X-Men team has, just like the Fantastic Four and the Revengers, made themselves quite of few enemies over time, one more lethal than the other. The most well-known enemies are..(note: most origins of the following villains is from Pen Island

  • Magnegro - A PIMP brotha with the magnetic ability to attract ungodly amounts of poontang, bootae, junk in the trunk, and many other names referring to the common 'ho.
  • Mistake - A shapeshifter whose natural appearance includes her blue skin and yellow eyes, and a freakin HOT bod. At one point, she mentioned she is over 100 years old, making her the hottest MILF known to date. She is called mistake, because she should be walking around nude instead of choosing to look like clothed ugly people. She is the mother of the X-Men hero Knightcrawler and foster mother of the hero Khmer Rogue. She was forced to abandon Knightcrawler, but raised Khmer Rogue for a number of years and the two women have mixed feelings towards one another. Is it wrong to want them to kiss and make up?
  • The Kitchenfire Club - A shadowy club for people with disastrously bad culinary skills. Coming together on Thursdays every odd week, they try to work together to improve their skills in handling ovens, toasters, baking cookies and trying to figure out why apple-pie with mustard cream always ends up tasting so damned repulsive. They conspire together to open a combined café and restaurant chain and force both McDonalds, Burger King and Starbucks out of business once they've figured out the right way to peel the skin off a potato without cutting of a finger. Among the ever-growing number of gastronomically incompetent morons who've managed to slice their noses off with handmixers during the years are, amongst others, Sebastian Shaw, Courtney Ross, Emma Frost (now an X-Man), Donald Pierce, Jason Wyngarde, Daimon Hellstrom, James Jaspers, Harry Leland and Sir Gordon Philips.
  • Juggynutts - A mutant hermaphrodite with impossibly powerful juggs and nuts. He is well known for his giant helmet. At the end of an encounter, you can count on a big mess.
  • Apocalips - He is the first mutant, born 5,000 years ago (before porn existed!) He is obsessed with Social Darwinism (the biggest package should get delivered the most). He employs highly advanced technology in his schemes, including flavored condoms and an electric egg-beater. Once you have sex with him, a woman craves no other man (hence his name). In 1995, the popular video known as the Age of Apocalips was created, an alternate timeline in which Apocalypse has fornicated with much of the world, leaving the world barren of a need for porn stars.
  • Mr. Mister - Nathaniel S. Sex, irresistible male playboy who can seduce any woman, including the Dark Pheminist (but only barely). Has unlocked the secrets of sexuality and used it on himself to become Mr. Mister, the biggest heartbreaker in business, rivaling the Incredible Hunk of the Revengers.
  • Cassandra Archae - The Professor's equally elusive sister who are just as secretive as her brother, who hasn't even revealed his name.
  • Clipto - Ice Man's x-lover, a teenager whose power involves picking something from the nearest pocket to him and setting it aflame with the lighter he wears tied to his writst, and launching the flaming ball and his victims.
  • Legion - A timelost Roman military unit á 8,000 men that went crazy due their unexpected time-displacement and went out to successfully conquer the Republic of Macedonia.
  • Prosthesis - Kevin MacTaggert, a strange dude who constantly wears out his limbs and arms and has to replace them. Has the power to alter the color of candy by will,
    unless it contains liquorice, his one and true Achilles' heel.
  • Xenu - The evil lord of Scientology, often flanked by Tom Cruise.
  • Hank Hill - The X-Men hate propane and propane accessories.
  • Basil Brush - A fox, unfortunately the issues in which he featured were never released following a break-in at the printing factory by Mr T (I pity the fool! He's a sucka.)
  • Darth Vader - Laying low after the first Death Star disaster, Darth Vader was found hiding by the X-Men. Their hospitality and gayness made him think twice about staying on Earth.

X-men equipment, tools, and specialty items[edit]

  • Cerebro - A massive computer. It's official use is to find mutants, but Professor X actually uses it to house his massive porn collection. Cerebro runs on Mac OS X.
  • Xanex - Things get pretty tough being a mutant. But why learn to deal with it? Cheer up by popping a pill, and get into the next battle.
  • Xbox - Combat simulator (original version).
  • Xbox 360 - Combat simulator (improved). Suffered sudden system failure and was replaced by Microsoft, four times. Shoulda got a PS3.
  • Xylophone - Bought off of Craig's list, cheap. Couldn't resist.

See Also[edit]