“ I ate chinese food once. It gave me a hernia. I'm not sure how that happened but I am sure as hell that I won't do that again.”
“ I pity the fool who is the size of yao ming”
“Oh No! Nooooo! Not Yao! Run for your lives!! Its too late now!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“ You teach me to basketball? I tall! I tall!”
“Ay ay ay! Donde esta mi bano, puto?”
“Yong im an doy den foy chi.”
“I LOVE YOU!!!”
Yao Rudy Ming "the Merciless" is a Chinese ruler from the Qing Dynasty. Yao is best known for his extreme tallness, and totalitarian government which treated asians above 7' like royalty. Yao Ming has the largest internal plumbing system in all of Beijing.
The Impotent Yao
The Early Life Of Yao
Yao Ming was born a huge child on May 6, 1689 after joining an Evangelical church. Yao spent most of his early life in a traveling circus, his forte being in the midget punting business. One night, after a particularly severe dropkicking of him, Yao decided to rebel. He used the Chinese ninja power of telekinesis, and threw all the midget punters off a bridge. Then Yao ran from authorities through the Arizona desert for 80 days and 6 nights. Once he had evaded the police, he found himself in Harlem. There Yao honed his curling skills, while learning from master curler Kobe Bryant. When Kobe had taught Yao the ways of the curler, Yao left to begin training for the Olympics, which were in Cleveland at the time.
Yao made a name for himself while competing in the 1985 Cleveland Olympics. He was credited with perhaps the best Olympic performance ever. This performance may have stemmed by threats made by the communist Chinese government on his family's life. While sweeping the ice during an intense session of curling, Yao lost both of his legs and his left arm. Yao fought through the pain and continued to sweep. The Chinese finished first, and received a gold medal, as well as a lifetime supply of fresh badger. Yao was a national icon for the Chinese. A little known fact is that Yao also competed in sumo wrestling, and got a silver medal. Yao eventually lost the final match to American phenom Rosie O'Donnell.
Biggest Pussy Award
Yao received this great honour when he was dunked on for a now unknown amount of times. A new number must be created in order to figure out the number. Not only does he get dunked on, on almost every possession but on one fateful day he was blocked by the 4 ft 2 inch Nate Robinson. A staggering 4 feet shorter, the Houston crowd were disgusted and Yao woke up in a Chinese hospital 2 months later. Turns out Nate had put a cap in his ass and as Yao is such a little bitch ass pussy who sits out for hairline fractures that the Chinese government kept him asleep so he wouldn't wake up crying.
After The Olympics
When Yao returned to China, there was mayhem and absolute destruction. They held a parade in his honor, and the Chinese government passed a law stating that every Chinese child must now be named Yao Ming. Yao loved the fame for a while, but eventually it became too much. Yao used his powers to tunnel to the core of the earth, where he now resides with his wife, Angelina Jolie, and their estimated 12,073,088 kids. Yao is estimated to produce 17 offspring each millisecond. Yao never competed in the Olympics again, although rumor has it he still curls often.
Yao can and will protect the cats in New Zealand from driving dogs with his power to punch cars across New Zealand for the remainder of his life.
When Will Yao Die?
There has been speculation that Yao Ming is immortal, but of course this is complete bullshit, as Yao still possesses the ability to eat Split Pea Soup, a dead give away for mortality. Frank Johnson, a prophet who lives on a subway car in New York, says that Yao will die in 87,000,002 years. The accuracy of this claim has not ever been disputed.