Ye oldie english pub names that should exist but don't

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Pub names. Often veiled in the mists of history, the meanings of ale-house nomenclature can be obscure, if downright mysterious. Unfortunately there's nothing we can do about that, so, to perpetuate the hearty tradition of seemingly irrelevant word combinations hanging from drinking establishments an exhaustive and thoroughly researched database of alternative names has been constructed.

Therefore, this is a horizontal article, even though it looks like a list.

Pub names - Animals[edit]

Love them or hate them, animals are here to stay. Embedding them into the names of public houses is a common form of worship or ridicule, depending on your prediliction.

  • The Coconutty Horse
  • The woblein Hampster
  • The Horses Arse
  • The Inappropriate Vole
  • The Monkey's List
  • The Strategic Badger
  • The Frustrated Hamster
  • The Relentless Otter
  • The Insurmountable Penguin
  • The Humourless Rabbit
  • The Impatient Shrimp
  • The Wry Gnu
  • The Lukewarm Giraffe
  • The Gnats Chuff
  • Fleas! Fleas! Fleas!
  • The Well Red Lion
  • The Orwight Horse
  • The Lamb & Slag
  • The Merkin & Ferkin
  • The Goatse and Boots
  • The Octopus's Face
  • The Inflatable Crab Monkey
  • The Rotating Hedgehog
  • The Levitating Otter
  • The Incontinent Pigeon
  • The Turtles Head
  • The Fork n Do do
  • The Donkey Punch

Pub names - Fruit and Vegetables[edit]

Whether growing from the ground or secreted from the glands of buses, fruits and vegetables have an undeniable place on the heady podium of hostelry.

Pub names - Body Parts[edit]

Let's face it, most of us own several. Publicans throughout the ages have been inspired by their own (and those of others) when renaming their establishments from more traditional addresses such as 56, Plumbton Road.

  • The Barking Spider
  • The Itchy Stump
  • The 3rd Knee
  • The Weeping Sore
  • Leg Leg Leg
  • The Amputee's Arms
  • The Athlete's Foot
  • The Irritable Bowel
  • The Huge Melons
  • The Nun's Chuff
  • The Duke and Goatse
  • Prints of Whales (decor would obviously include photos of Orcas, Porpoises, other Cetaceans etc)
  • The King's appendix
  • The Armpits Constitution
  • The Queen's Legs (it is often believed that patrons wait for The Queen's Legs to open so they could have a drink)

Pub names - Mythical Animals[edit]

Made-up, fabricated, fictional, call them what you will. The fact remains that mythical animals are real, and therefore qualify for pub-name-alisation. I don't make the rules, it's just how it is.

Pub names - Sport[edit]

Sport and booze have always been happy bed-fellows (sometimes literally). It's no surprise then, that such pastimes are occasionally promoted to pub-name status.

  • The Cricketers Box
  • The Titchy Pitch
  • The Curler's Broom
  • the g spot

Pub names - Unpopular/Unsavoury Historical Figures[edit]

Few things insult a building more than naming it after someone infamous and then filling it with drunken layabouts, poorly-cooked food and old ash trays.

  • The Benito Mussolini
  • Thatcher's Snatch
  • The Gary Glitter
  • Hitler's Itch
  • Ripper's Rest
  • Attila the Pub
  • Stalin's Stale Ale
  • Caligula's Skull
  • Fritzel's Corner

Pub names - Misc[edit]

  • The Solitary Eskimo
  • The Salacious Bread Roll
  • The Slap and Tickle
  • The Flange
  • The 3/4 way House
  • The Slag and Legless
  • The Bucket and Feltch
  • "If You Don't Believe Me, Ask Phil" Arms
  • The Tabloid and Binge
  • The Crispy Ambulance
  • The Policeman's Shiny Helmet
  • The Chav and Burberry
  • The Inbred Ironing Board
  • The Floating Bearded Sausage
  • The Man Who Winks At Muffins
  • The Bubble With One Eye
  • The Plastered Bastard
  • The Out-House Hole
  • The Dog-Dirt Flavoured Toffees
  • The Dirty Protest
  • The Kebab & Calculator

See Also[edit]