Yugoslav wars

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“Eventually, Prince took over Macedonia

~ Tamia
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Yugoslav wars.
A Map - 1:1 scale.

The Yugoslav wars were a series of violent conflicts in the territory of the former Yugoslavia that took place between 1991-2001. While they are called the Yugoslav wars, Ironically very little of the fighting took place in Yugoslavia.

War Erupts[edit]

Slovenia wished to declare its independence with his bum from Yugoslavian federation, and did so with its tag-along Croatia, on June 25, 1991. Slovenia quickly captured all military bases in their territory, declaring "All your base are belong to us." and though Croatia planned to do the same they calculated that a few years of war were easier then planing much in advance. As Croatia completely separated Slovenia from the rest of Yugoslavia (this wasn't part of the plan), Slovenia escaped all major conflict, and Croatia suffered through 4 years of deadly combat while Slovenians watched, laughed and occasionaly came over to buy liquor and sell firearms.

Slobodan Milošević led the Yugoslavian armies in a glorious attempt to reunite all Serbs. The only problem was Serbs were a large minority so they eventually lost the war. When he realised there isn't enough Serbs in Croatia, he called Serbs from Bosnia, Serbia, Canada, Australia, Venus, Mars, Vulcan, Borg-cubes and others. Unfortunately for him it was to late for war in Croatia, so he used those gatherred army and started with war in Bosnia and Herzegovina.

Franjo Tuđman, the leader of Croatia, rallied his army only to roll a series of critical failures in strategic defeats against the Yugoslavian, then becoming fully Serbian forces. Croatia soon fell prey to enemy mortars. These mortars created poorly made foundations for homes, which soon fell apart.

Before the war began, Franjo Tuđman and Slobodan Milošević agreed to split Bosnia and Herzegovina where they held respective ethnic majorities. However, Sloba really pissed off Tudjman when he invaded Croatia and in doing so f**ked the entire region into being absorbed by the Kosovan Umpire.

Bosnia Joins[edit]

As war had broken out between Serbs and Coats, Bosnia quickly became a battleground. Angered that they were not included, ethnic Bosnians decided to join the war in 1992. The UN harshly warned against it, and their word carried weight. But it was so little weight that it didn't effect Bosnia. Led by Alija Izetbegović, they joined, and, unsure of which side to aid, decided to attack everyone. A destructive three way war broke out, all over the highly valuable territory of Bosnia. Its capital, Sarajevo, was put under siege within days.

Slobodan Milošević decided to try new tactics, such as mass forced mobilization of paramilitary volunteers and sending them to fight women and children. He also offered American All-beef hot dogs to these volunteers. Meanwhile, newly independent state of Croatia definitely haven't sent its forces to help ethnic Croatians in that virtual state. And of course all sides gave the other two the honorable title of Civilian-butcher of the year. In such a situation, Serbs, being the biggest faction in Bosnia gained control of 70% of its teritory, leaving the Croats and Bosnians to continue fighting each other over the remaining 30% they held.

During all that fuss, a businessman named Fikret Abdić decided to go on a war-path too... The warlord Abdić declared his own republic of "Zapadna Bosna" ("West Bosnia") on his birthday on 29. 9. 1993. To this day it remains unknown why he didn't chose some other birthday present.

This led to some pretty chaotic situation in which Western Bosnians aligned with Croatian forces (which, of course didn't officially take part in Bosnian conflict) and started his own private war against all other sides. As the only outcome of that decision, he was also trialled for war-crimes and sentenced to jail for some 20 years...


Albanians from Kosovo wanted their own state as well, but were too lazy to do anything about it until 1999. Then their un-terrorist organization clashed with Serb police - both lost. However, they gave the best places in Pristina, capital of Kosovo, to Americans, and therefor entered in negotiation for independent Kosovo. The story is not finished, sequnce is coming soon to the cinemas near by... Canada and Russia backed up Kosovo, Russia by sending nuclear missiles, Canada with people to ride those missiles so they'd actually hit their targets and not America.

Serbian Bombing[edit]

Moving with the lightening speed for which they are famed the NATO leadership decided after just 8 years to intervene. Actually NATO crushed 12 bridges, destroyed half of Serbia and killed about 2000 children, eventually admitting that the killing of Serbian children was collateral damage. NATO never even had to land in Serbia. However the Serbian Army did manage to destroy a US stealth fighter despite the fact that Serbias most modern jet fighter is 50 years old. Their air defence, however, did shoot down 2,2 billion dollars NATO aircraft.

NATO later admitted the bombing hurt them more then the Serbs, as not a single target in Serbia was more valuable then the 1-million $ missiles sent to destroy it.

After the accidental bombing of the Chinese embassy several Iconic restaurants were forced to close, notably Macdonalds, who felt the heat the most from protestors as retaliation to America.

Debates Over Guilt[edit]

It's a an odd, quirky factoid that even though all of the atrocities were by the Serbs and Croats (to the bosnians) in the 90s - bosnians are the only ones with a sense of humor about it. In fact, an insider joke developed within days of the war starting between the three faction leaders.

Bosniaks, being hard-headed (see article on Bosnia) accidentally handed over the majority of their weapons to the Serbs which ultimately resulted in them dying. Serbia, having the highest population was able to more effectively rig the results of the contest and thereby win it. Most sources agree that Srebrenica (generally regarded as the Yugoslavian equivalent of a Mortal Kombat fatality) is the point at which Serbia officially won.

However, to reiterate my previous statement, the Bosnians were the main victims of this war. The fact that 75% of war criminals on trial at the Hague are Serbian, that only Serbia has been convicted of genocide and that Serbia funded Serbs in the war is irrelevant. Some Turks took our shit 700 years ago. That's wack. We were just taking it back. Turks = Serbs btw. cmon theyre both ugly!

Also the Bosniacks had it coming. Never mind that declaring yourself independent of Yugoslavia was constitutionally legal and won with a 61% majority. You're forgetting that Serbs boycotted that shit and they make up 39% of the population.

It is quite common for grandmothers to explain to their grandchildren in grotesque details the atrocities Serbs committed. This may include accusations of rape, lighting women on fire, sniping children from rooftops and stealing land. Strong supports of psychology such as Tom Cruise have argued that this is doing irreversible damage to a young child's mind, but the grandmother's words must be understood in context. Namely, that Bosniak people don't know when to shut up.

Serbia's actions in the wars of independence should not be overlooked however, one cannot look at events in Vukovar, Srebrenica and Zepa and claim the Bosniak muslims or Croats were at fault in these wars. Even though the Muslims did use safe areas to launch attacks on the Serbs, and the Croats did use the odd neo nazi to bash people about, the Serbs used nationalism to stir up racial hatred. It is widely know that Serb ex paramilitaries are still running around chanting Arkan's name in local carnivals. Due to the context of Uncyclopedia, the author of this paragraph is still wondering why he is bothering to take a mildly serious tone, but then again, its probably the asbestos talking..

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