Zach Braff

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A particularly virile Zachbraff attached to a pitiful human host

“As I said to Lady Fitzwilliam only last week, 'Madam, from your expression I must infer either that you have centipedes in your vagina, or that you are infected with the demon seed of an unearthly super-race again.'”

“Fire will burn it.”

The Zachbraff are the unholy parasitic alien offspring of a mullet and a xenomorph face hugger. They possess a burning urge to populate the galaxy through breeding with human females, which they achieve by attaching themselves to the cranium of a male human host, and taking control via tendrils inserted into the ear canals.

Zachbraff should be destroyed on sight, without regard to personal safety. Death is better than a world where the Zachbraff triumph. Should a Zachbraff ever succeed in reaching a trailer park when the female inhabitants are in season, then evacuation of the Earth would be humanity's only remaining option.


Identifying a Zachbraff[edit]

A Zachbraff attached to some form of rat or weasel macks on a human hottie way out of its league

There are several diagnostic signs that can be used to identify a Zachbraff and its human host.

  • Often sports an awkward, gawky persona, used to trick emo chicks into thinking that they are sensitive, caring types instead of inhuman monsters seeping worm-jism from every pulsating quiffed tentacle.
  • Boyish looks, irresistible to your mother. Your mother may be ululating in wanton, bestial glee while being pounded in her dried up snooch by a Zachbraff this very second.
  • A prominent Adam's apple, swollen with bitter acidic alien jizz that has trickled down through the ear canals.
  • Zachbraffs will always park in a disabled bay, even if there is a regular parking spot closer to their destination.
  • Being found in the company of a human female way too Goddamn hot for their host body. Note that exterminating a dork caught in the company of a hottie is considered a public service in all civilised nations, plus Belgium.
  • Dogs will flee from a Zachbraff, even chewing off their own heads in order to facilitate their escape. Cats will do its bidding, to the extent of fetching pomade from the mall, in a little wicker basket.
  • If you so much as look at a Zachbraff's car, Zachbraff will fuck you up. Zachbraff don't care what colors you be sporting; Zachbraff will fuck you up old school.

Lifecycle of the Zachbraff[edit]

A newborn Zachbraff finds a host

After a gestation period of around 28 days, infant Zachbraffs burrow out from the host female's body. This can easily be mistaken for menstruation, or having a vagina infested with centipedes. If your female partner seems irritable for a few days once a month, perhaps she's being fucked by a Zachbraff. Fucked in every orifice, over and over, until she passes out from the plateau of pleasure that you will never, ever be able to give her. You should ask her that, right now. Ask her what the fuck's up with her. Is she screwing a Zachbraff, or is her gash just crawling with arthropods, or what?

This immature Zachbraff is already attempting to abduct human females

The newborn Zachbraff instar will instinctively seek out the ear of the nearest dorkish male, and begin to nest. Sensitive men who engage in cunnilingus to pleasure their lovers are particularly vulnerable, although seriously, what the fuck do you expect when licking a bearded toilet bowl? The broad pisses and bleeds out of that. Sometimes she makes yoghurt in there. Having your brain raped by a hostile alien organism is getting off lightly.

After attachment, the Zachbraff ejects the host's own hair, then gradually replaces it in a reverse combover maneuver, while taking control of the male's mind. During this period, the host will first begin to express a clumsy form of social behaviour, for example joining a cult such as Scientology, or even a book group. During this period, the Zachbraff is most vulnerable: it is expressing identifiable Zachbraff behaviour, like driving a car that there's no Goddamn way such a pencil necked nerd should be able to afford, while still being vulnerable to conventional weapons. You should feel free to beat the shit out of any balding dork that you catch hitting on hot chicks: the human race will thank you. There may be medals.

"...and then I'll have you, then you, and then you twins." - a full adult stage Zackbraff in fighting fettle.

Eventually, the adult Zachbraff will completely dominate the host and will then use its disgusting alien secretions to ensnare helpless human females. Goddamn hot human females. Hotter than the women in your dreams. Hotter than the women in your dreams dream about being. Sometimes two or three at a time. So just you think about that the next time you call a Zachbraff a whiny pussy. He's swimming in pussy. He's got more pussy hanging around him than a crazy old cat-lady.