“Just because his last name sounds similar doesn't mean he's related to me, QUIT FUCKING ASKING...”
Zakk "Turkey" Wylde (also know as Mr. Twardy and Susan the Third of Quesadilla), is the son of pure metal and a bear. Growing up he subsisted mainly on bees, which he consumed alive and whole, and beer, which is to him as nectar is to bees, or as bees are to Zakk Wylde. Thus is the circle of life completed. Ponder ye Zakk Wylde, students, for within him he contains all of nature.
On His Terror of Large Black Men's Privates and Views on Politics
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Early in his life, Zakk Wylde met this black dude and he flipped out! He was all, "Yo, I hate you people, guy. I'm very pissed to meet you." and the black dude was all, "It is also not good to meet you, white dude inexplicably given a gratuitous kitten avatar in your Uncyclopedia article." Zakk was like, "You read that?" The black dude said, "I did! It was very well written and also, more importantly, funny. The world needs more Uncyclopedia articles about legendary musicians who are in Ozzy Osbourne's band and also have a fun-filled solo career." Zakk agreed, and shared with the man an alcoholic beverage. Later on, he was the suicide bomber at Zakk's wedding.
Anyway, that's why I think Zakk Wylde kind of has a problem with black people.
Wylde has long been considered an open-minded chap. His views on politics are well thought out and eloquently expressed. As such he will often be seen on the panels at top political debates adding some much-needed fire to the proceedings with his almost Tourette-like outbursts on the act of eloping with the lucky Mrs. Wylde. The embarrassment of the other speakers aside, they are often dumbfounded with the ease with which he expresses a valid point. However, some may argue that Wylde is too liberal and a far too accepting of other people's opinions and that he should at least be able to hold some unfounded prejudices other than his dislike of blacks, gays, French, and people who argue against America's foreign policy. As such, super-tough bad boy rockers My Chemical Romance have written a song called Toughen Up and Get Some Stereotypes, Zakk You Little Bitch With a Goat Beard. It is rumored that Wylde will respond with a song with over 15 pinched harmonics, although this is unlikely. Really, why should Wylde waste his time with a band like My Chemical Romance? Geez...
How He Met Ozzy
Zakk was hired on the spot by a very drunk Ozzy Osbourne, who mistook him for a young, hairy dutch elm tree while prancing merrily through the woods one fine afternoon in March.
"That dutch elm tree is just what we need in my band," slurred Ozzy. "I am not aware of any other band with a fucking tree playing lead guitar."
This was the far from the first time Ozzy would attempt to hire a tree, nor would it be the last, but it was one of the few times the tree actually accepted the offer. He very frequently fucks up solos big time, and then starts ass-raping the audience.
His time as a prophet
After Zakk's important role as the tree in Ozzy's band in the year 1988 he decided to become one Ozzy's, or God's, apostles. During this time he invented beer and the forest of tree-playing guitars in Les Claypool, England. After much reveling in his newly-invented beer, Wylde created the band Black Label Society which would come to be the most evil cult ever formed. Defying Ozzy's will, Zakk Wylde and his Society cut down the forest of Les Claypool.
Ozzy became very angered by this and created Ozzfest (also known as the unholy union of all metal that has ever been forged on this plane of existence). Later years at Ozzfest, groups such as Slipknot, and Korn appeared, much to the dismay of all real metal occultists. Many experts claim this event as the downfall of Ozzfest. Zakk Wylde brought his society to destroy Ozzfest, or so it seemed. As it turns out the entire fight between Ozzy and Zakk was a hoax to lure out the metal gods Iron Maiden who had stood in the way of Ozzy's sheer awesomeness for many millenia. As soon as the holy Bruce Dickinson appeared at Ozzfest, Zakk Wylde and Ozzy quickly damned the beast from Mt Ozz forever. Later on, the Greeks would base their entire faith around this chaotic battle.
How he met Oscar
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Zakk Wylde met his future wife Oscar (the aforementioned "Mrs. Wylde") at the 1996 Democratic National Convention, which both men were picketing in anticipation of the Elian Gonzales crisis. Oscar mistook Zakk for his long-lost identical twin in a comedy of errors of Shakespearean proportions. The event was recorded in H.P. Lovecraft's epic poem, Palaeogean Eldritch:
"Do you like puns?" asked Zakk, looking tenderly into Oscar's lower left earhole.
Oscar only nodded, for once at a loss for words.
"Then you'll love me," said Zakk. "Get this. We have the exact same last name, sorta. Kinda. Close enough for the pun's sake."
"Hold me," said Oscar Wilde, blushing scarlet. "Damn the rigid sexual taboos of my day, or the exaggerated machismo of the metal world. Hold me and never let go."
"I eat bees," said Zakk. "They're like food to me."
During the great birdman invasion of 2304, the world needed an hero. Being 'bored as fuck', as he called it, Zakk decided he would take this call. After an intense 3 week training course on the moon, Zakk was ready to take out the bird menace. He flew to Tatooine on a chariot driven by a chain of white stallions (they would of been black, but hes a racist) and burst into the birdman collesium with his Les Paul in hand. There he proceeded to kill every birdman, woman, and child with his guitar licks. This caused their heads to explode. Finally it was just Zakk and the bird king, Harvey Birdman. The king however, had come equipped with his instrument of choice, the banjo. Unfortunately Zakk had a fear of banjo music ever since he was six years old. Overcoming his fears, he challenged Harvey to a 6000 year guitar/banjo showoff. Finally the king began to wear down and his head exploded in a cataclysmic fury that took out half of Tatooine, killing Zakk in the process. What was left of his charred body and guitar was put in a casket and now orbits what is left of Tatooine. Engraved on the casket is Zakk's motto "Im glad the mexicans are taking our jobs!!" Although Zakk died in his human form, his spirit still haunts the earth. He frequently takes control of others body and in the process creates amazing pieces of music. Such pieces he created while in spirit form were: I Don't Wanna Stop Being Insanely Good, Stop F**** Crying Geez, Out of this River (which Zakk created after resurrecting Dimebag Darrell), Crazy Jet, and the entire Bat Out of Hell 4 album.
Wacky Zakk Facts
- Zakk Wylde will occasionally spice up his pinch harmonics with songs. This is why everyone and your grandma regards him as the most tasteful and diverse songwriter ever.
- Zakk Wylde holds the world record for Fastest Pentatonic Noodling With a Talkbox. John Petrucci allegedly beat his record, but the results were deemed invalid by the judges, who couldn't count in 69/42.
- Zakk uses his trademark custom Ru Paul, festooned with bottlecaps, corkscrews, beer bottles, beer cans, beer kegs, and the back of a semitruck that once had beer in it.
- Zakk Wylde does not use only Ru Pauls, the second greatest guitar, only to the Kelly Clarkson.
- Zakk Wylde never showers.
- Zakk Wylde uses an incredible picking technique taught to him by Ninjas and a rare breed of chickens.
- Zakk Wylde flunked the 3rd grade, the 9th grade, and then later successfully got his honorary GED from Southwestern Indian Polytechnic Institute while on tour in Albuquerque, NM.
- Zakk Wylde also uses a condom occasionally on stage to tune his guitar.
- Zakk Wylde donates sperm to make more badass guitarists.
- Zakk Wylde wants to change his name to Willow.
- Zakk Wylde can't read music and is lucky to have tab magazines.
- Zakk Wylde has beard lice.
- Zakk's onstage beer is almost the equivalent of John Petrucci's chemicals that stops his hands from melting when he plays at 3 billion notes per second. Zakk Wylde's beer only protects him under 2.5 billion notes per second.
- Zakk's frequent use of pinch harmonics and pentatonic scales make him a hero within the guitar n00b community.
- He wrote "Do that to me one more time" with kerry king on lead whammy bar.
- He drives a Pinch Harmonic Mobile.
- Zakk is a tall dwarf.
- Zakk's beard once went on tour with ZZ Top.
- Zakk has a long way to becomming a legend. It's good that cat has nine lives.
With a band of ninja pirates
- Angry Throwing Stars and Booty (1994)
- The God of The Gods (1995)
- Spooky Goth Shit (1996)
- Spooky Assclown (1998)
- Spooky Kings of Convenience (2005)
With Alcoholics Anonymous
- How I Do Love to Drink (1999)
- Baptized in Beer (2000)
- Fuck the Wagon (2001)
- Jesus Bless My Beer in the Name of Satan (2002)
- I Don't Like It When People Talk Bad About the Guvmint (2003)
- I Love You, Oscar (2005)
- Bathe in Beer (2006)
With Ozzy Osborne
- I Love Iron Maiden So Much, I'm in the Fucking Iron Maiden Fan Club (1989)
- All British People Are High On Acid 28 Hours a Day (1990)
- My Daughter Is A Hot, Chubby Bitch (1991)
- My Son is a Hot, Chubby Bitch (1991)
- 80 times as Much Brain Damage As Regular Vodka (1995)
With Hall & Oates
- Reign In Oates (45 BC)
- The Blessed Hallride (2003)
- Just Say Oates (2004)
- Oatesmosis (2005)
- The Oatesman Cometh (2007)
- I Am Going to Fucking Kill Hall & Oates (2015)
With Bran, Honey, And Oates
- Wow, this shit is delicious! (2003)
- I never knew health food could taste so heavenly! (2003 and 1/2)
- Screw this, I'm getting more beer. I can't believe I've been eating this grain crap for like, 2 years now. (2005)
With Master Shake
- Where the Hell is Geddy? Aaaah, Robot Scorpions! (The Birthday Song) (2005)
- Spirit Journey Formation Anniversary (Single) (2005)
- What The FUCK Is A Pinch Harmonic? (Single) (2162)
- God, Fuck Off! (November 2008)
With Snoop Dogg
- Super ghetto freestyle rap battle about each others MOMMAS (ooooh niguh)(1991)
- Snoop getting raped by Zakk (23 BC)
- You Cant Rape The Willing (13 AD)