Zombie Abe Lincoln

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Zombie Abraham Lincoln (April 15, 1865-?), the former Abraham Lincoln, was resurrected by the US government and at times used as a secret weapon when the United States was at war for over a century since the American Civil War and as recently as the Korean War. He also fought in the first The King of Fighters Tournament.


Civil War[edit]

Abe invented modern-day cool

Lincoln single handedly defeated Lee and his army, at the little known Battle of Soft Hard Rock. Based on true historical artist rendition, the famous civil war painter Emanuel Leutze describes the scene. "There Abe was, standing on the back of a flaming horse. Holding his golden broad sword high into the air. The tension became too much to take as the two warriors stood silent. Breathing Hravily General Lee raised his gun and fired upon Abe. Letting the bullet hit him Abe Paused momentarily. leaping from the back of the horse, fling though the air like a crazy spinning bird, he sliced off Lee's arm with his god like sword. Lee cursed and began begging for his life. Smiling Abe pointed his sword at Lee's neck, "I CAN TELL NO LIE," said Abe in a booming voice, "I WILL LET YOU HAVE YOUR LIFE IF YOU PROMISE TO SURRENDER,” The very next day the war was over and everyone went back to being uncivil.

Assassination[edit]

Abe shooting John

Life for Abe was uneventful for the next few years. Spending most of his time avoiding assassination, sleeping with his wife, and dodging paparazzi. On April 15, 1865 Abe experienced his 68th assassination attempt. John F. Kennedy: Actor, playwright, and immature porn star, tried to take Abe's life. Being well informed on John's activities, Abe killed the young actor switched clothing and shot "himself" (No one knows why he did this). Shortly after he was arrested and sent to prison. Before Abe was hung, he didn’t have much of a sex life. His last words were "If you strike me down I’ll become more powerful than you could possibly imagine,"

WWII[edit]

As promised Abe Lincoln DID come back and without his help Germany would have conquered all of Europe. As U.S. troops landed on Omaha beach the German gun emplacements tore up the beach spraying lead into the helpless troops. After losing the entire first wave, General Eisenhower decided to have his chief magisters resurrect the corpse of Abe. Three hours of waiting and no troops landed on the beach. German High Command had told Field General Baron Hitrich Von Litchstonbergston to hold the beach until the fighting on the other beaches had ended. An unknown nazi soldier described Abe's beach landing in the last entery of his journal as "a single row boat holding a flaming horse and a man with a tall top hat,"

Zombie Abe seen here with his favorite chainsaw.

"Small arms and machine gun fire sprayed the area in which we landed. Abe gracefully leaped into the air and landed on the top of his flaming stead's head. Standing upright he pointed his finger at one of the pillboxes which then exploded. The horse charged at full speed turning the sand in which it stepped on into glass. As it reached the beginning of the beachhead, Abe jumped off the it's head and landed in front of it. Lifting the horse from mid-run he threw it over his shoulder and leaped 80 some feet into the air, landing on top of one of the pillboxes he destroyed it completely (in DBZ style). He then tossed his horse into a group of German soldiers; proceding to then use the stead as a weapon he then began beating individuals to death. A German ran up behind Abe, bayonet at the ready, only to be cut in half by Abe's laser eyes then beaten to death with the horse..." -The Omaha Beach landing, by: Emanuel Leutze (the description continues on for an amazing 980 pages). As the 2nd wave of troops poured onto the beach they found it completely destroyed one unknown soldier was quoted saying "Holy fuck," and another saying "Abe's a fucking beast,". After the battle Abe vanished. It is known that Abe fought in the Battle of Stalingrad, Iwo Jima, the Battle of Brittan, and was the executioner of Mussolini. It is rumored that Abe murdered Hitler, the only proof of this is the small fact that Hitler was found dead wearing a fake beard, a top hat, and a note pinned to his jacket with the words "FuC|<1nG pWn3d!!!" (Abe was the inventor of "1337" speak).

Korean War[edit]

Abe sent the newspapers a letter with a picture of him doing a handstand on his mystic flaming steed on standing on a pile of dead N. Korean soldiers with the caption "950,678 dead, Fu<k1nG pWn3d!! -love Abe". He was also seen several times drinking beer and handing out pamphlets regarding his revaloutionary diet program to American and S. Korean troops.

Veitnam[edit]

"During this time he (Abe) just smoked a lot of pot," -Emanuel Leutze


ThinkerToilet.jpg
This Piss is being Reviewed
This article is incomplete, but help is on the way. Please don't put it up for VFD or QVFD or slap any other maintenance templates on it until the bear cavalry comes.
Help this page by leaving comments for its author on its talk page
or on the article's entry in Pee Review.