Zombies Anonymous

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Started in the late 1980's by Tommy Lee, Zombies Anonymous actually started off as a zombie zoo in Seattle. Critics insinuated that Tommy Lee was being "zombie-racist" and was lynched by a bunch of black people.

But what to do with the hordes of Undead still left in the zoo. Dr. Phil was called to the scene and immediately started a rehabilitation center for the Undead, and Zombies Anonymous was born. Funded by cyborg/zombie-slayer Stephen Hawking, ZA was set up for the living dead to curb their cravings for brains and human flesh.

Steps of ZA[edit]

ZA is comprised of 5 steps.

  • Step 1 is realizing that you have a problem.
  • Step 2 is to stop murdering innocent people and to focus your aggression on convicts or politicians.
  • Step 3 is to find a healthy substitute to flesh or brains, like fruits and vegetables like James Blunt or Chuck Norris.
  • Step 4 is to be de-toxed of all human remains in your system.
  • Step 5 is to be completely cured.

If these steps fail, the zombie is sent back to step 1.

Healthy Activities[edit]

Zombies at Zombies Anonymous can find many fun and exciting activities to do while incarcerated. This includes everything from vollyball to ping-pong.

A Zombie playing ping pong at the facility.

The zombies also sometimes have sack races and send Christmas cards to the elderly. Sometimes they are allowed to watch television but only if it is a non-violent program like Dr. Phil or Martha Stewart. A new fad among the zombies is weight lifting, since doctors have found that rotting flesh is not very durable. The patients also enjoy screenings of I Walked with a Zombie.


One of the first tactics developed were the zombie collars. This collar would deliver a strong electric shock to any zombie devouring human flesh. The design of these collars was later used on dogs and Lindsay Lohan. Films such as Dawn of the Dead are often shown to show what BAD ZOMBIES look like and behave like. This scares the zombie and can sometimes confuse them so bad that they eat themselves. That's right. Eat themselves. Hmm...

Dr. Phil[edit]

An interview with Dr. Phil himself about the creation of ZA has recently been released by TIME magazine.

TIME: Dr. Phil, how is the ZA project going?

Dr. Phil: Well, I first want to say that all zombies are winners if they try to be. Anyone can and should complete this program.

T: Anyone who's a zombie.

Dr. P: No, just anyone. Zombie or not. Adult or child.

T: Why would you encourage children to be anywhere near these zombies?

Dr. P: These patients are completely harmless. They haven't killed anyone.

T: I find that hard to believe. And what about all those bite marks?

Dr. P: Oh, those are from... uh... my wife. Yeah...

T: Hmm...

(Taken from TIME MAGAZINE issue 838934938493 copyright by Happy Bubba Industries)

Return of Tommy Lee[edit]

Since Tommy Lee saw the potential money he could have made off of these zombies, he started an unnessecary legal battle with Dr. Phil to gain control of the rehab facility. In the end, Dr. Phil won, and Tommy Lee firebombed the west wing of the ZA center. This resulted in pissed-off flaming zombies, and Tommy Lee once again got his ass kicked. In an interview about this occurence, Tommy Lee reportedly said "Fuck my life". He then proceeded to run away from the fiery undead procession following him.